VVS, go back!

Dear VVS Laxman,

Please go home. You’re ruining it for us. With a team like this (Gilly, Symonds, Vaas, Rohit Sharma), only a captain like you can manage to lose a winning match. Seriously, go home and come back only when the Test squad is being announced.

If you’re having withdrawal symptoms after 3 big matches in the IPL, please atleast handover captaincy to Gilchrist and go back to scoring 0s and 2s. We will do you a favor and assume we’re playing with one man less. Deccan Chronicle might still give you some pocket money.

Did you realize how incredibly foolish you looked in the last match when you didn’t keep 3 men inside the circle and your opponents had to wave and shout from the bench to the umpire to penalize you with a no-ball? I guess RP saved your backside by bowling out the batsman on the next ball. That’s once, VVS.

We have no words to describe your amazing strategy in the last match to place your field to stop the 2s and 3s while the batsmen had a field day with the 4s and 6s.  Forget dropping catches, the fielders were not even near the darn ball when it was falling down. We would really appreciate it if, going forward, you just acted as the captain and let the better players in the team make the real captain decisions on the field placements and whom to bowl. We might actually win a match then.

All this said, we are however very thankful that you took only 1 ball to score your 0 runs in the first DC IPL match. Please to maintain this on the fateful chance that you do play again. 1 ball. We don’t care how many runs. Just the 1 ball. And you walk back and you sit down on the bench. And stay there till it’s time again to score a 0.

And finally, till you do us Hyderabadis this huge favor of stepping down as captain due to your incompetencies, my family and I are shifting support to the Chennai Super Kings.

Thanks and regards,

An erstwhile DC fan.

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Open Letter

Dear Losers Users of the English Language,

Greetings, from the humble Apostrophe. Hope this letter finds you in good linguistic health.

I’m writing this to bring to your attention the gross injustice and pain that you’re causing me by misusing me in your written communications, not to mention sheer negligence when you skip writing me in a fit of laziness and/or ignorance.

Let me give you some background on my antecedants.

I’m a punctuation mark. I look like a single quotation mark, but that’s exactly where the similarity ends. I’m used under two broad conditions –

1. When you’re so lazy that you omit writing down certain letters. Example, don’t (where you omitted the ‘o’ of ‘not’), you’re (where you omitted the ‘a’ of ‘are’) and the likes.

2. When you want to talk about things you own, or in clearer terms, possess. Example, ‘This is John’s umbrella’ – I denote that the umbrella belongs to John.

Now to the things that cause me untold agony. It seems that a lot of you have absolutely no idea how and when to use me. Or more specifically, when not to use me. See, I’m a beautiful punctuation mark bringing a lot of meaning into your otherwise mundane words and I would expect atleast a cursory knowledge of my usage before you take it upon yourself to murder English grammar in cold blood with your humungous ignorance.

You do not use me for denoting a plural. No, you don’t. If you’re eating bananas, its “bananas” you should be writing, not “banana’s”!

You do not use me with possessive pronouns – like “hers”, “his”, “yours”, “its”. Especially “its”! The only time you use me as “it’s” is when you’re leaving out the “i” of “is” in “it is”. Capiche?

You do not use me with an “s” when the noun you’re referring to is already plural. There are no “kings’s crowns”, it’s just “kings’ crowns”.

And for the umpteenth time, “you’re” is not the same as “your”. If you do not realize that, you have no business conversing in English, please revert to using sign language, which honestly suits you best.

These are just some of the cases I have mentioned here. For more information, please take some time to read through the umpteen sites that have been opened in my name (bless their souls!), for my correct usage.

If you think I’m being unduly rude in this matter, please understand that it’s because of ages of gross misuse perpetrated by you and your fellow people and I’ve now officially run out of patience and hence am completely justified in using the language I deem fit to address you.

I do hope you appreciate my importance in the written language. If this kind of misuse does not stop, there will come a day when my friends and I will become extinct from this beautiful language and you all would have evolved backwards into using sign language (or maybe just grunts and groans like a regular troll) and drawing pictures on caves.

Thank you for your time and patience, and hope to see you soon in your writings – ofcourse, in the right place, for the right purpose!

Punctuationally yours,
apostrophe.png
(Signed: Apostrophe)

Open Letter season

Dear Lady-who-sat-next-to-me-in-the-autorickshaw,

Nice perfume, but must you be swimming in it? For once, I didn’t mind those toxic exhaust fumes from the vehicles around.

Unbearably,
Me.
                ***************

Dear People-who-make-fun-of-Rajnikanth-and-‘Sivaji’,

I couldn’t care less, so shut it. There never was and never will be a bigger entertainer than him. And you know it.

Superstar-fan’ly,
Me.

                ***************

Dear Folks-who-think-Harry-Potter-is-for-kids,

Grow up.

I-wish-I-were-at-Hogwarts-ly,
A Muggle born.

                ***************

Dear Mr.Edward Lear,

I’m extremely sorry. For what? For this –

There was once a steel box on the table,
It was shiny, sleek and definitely very able.
But it only had rocks,
For ’twas just a box!
Moral? Nothing! This ain’t no Aesop’s fable!

Un-Limerickally,
Me.

                ****************

Dear Missing-candle-at-home,

WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU THE MOST?!!

In the dark,
Me.

                ****************

Dear Second-green-light-on-the-modem,

Stop blinking and stay put on green. I have a blog to update!

Unblinkingly,
Me.