Whoever wrote about the 4 yugas in Hindu Scriptures – Satya, Treta, Dwapara and Kali – missed one. SMS Yuga. It’s all pervading, omnipotent and definitely omnipresent. Any human being worth his salt has to have the ability to send and receive SMS. Doesn’t matter if you don’t know how to answer the phone when it rings or how to make calls – SMS is all ye know and all ye need to know!
Some FAQs on SMS and their ‘usefulness’ –
What is SMS? – Wiki will tell you that SMS stands for Short Message Service. That’s far from being true. For starters, in this age of free SMS, there is nothing called short. It’s only extra long (XL), medium extra long (MXL) and extra extra long (XXL). It is used to let your friends know that you are eating a burger right now and the mayo is dripping onto your hands. Or to let your mom know that you’re in your room studying when you’re actually in a movie theatre watching a sleazy flick for the 17th time. Very useful, this SMS.
What do I gain by using SMS? – The gains from SMS are many.
– It improves your ability to type with your eyes closed. This arises from the fact that frequent SMSing can erase the numbers/alphabets off the keypad of your phone. So you go purely by touch and feel. Comes in very handy
when if you’re blind.
– The second use is you don’t have to learn shorthand ever in your life. All those weird symbols to take notes fast? Toss them into note-takers’ hell. Tis gr8 2 b typng in d nw shrthnd n tis vv kewl evntho it drvs 1 mad.
– All services starting from laundry to your kids’ daycare – they’re all available over SMS. You only have to make note of the numbers to send the SMS to. Like if you want the Taj Mahal to be part of the 7 wonders, SMS ‘TAJ’ to 4567. Get the drift?
What’s the downside of using SMS?
– Very minor effects like complete loss of social skills since SMS is your language of communication while the rest of the world uses something called ‘speech’ which is done using one’s mouth, as opposed to hands.
– People around you could beat you to death if they get cheesed off with your mobile phone incessantly beeping whenever you get an SMS.
– You forget the concept of spelling in English. Ergo, you can never participate in the National Spelling Bee contests (even if your life depended on it).
Some things I can do with SMS?
– Make Taj Mahal one of the 7 wonders of the world.
– Ask Anamika on Ladies Colony (Radio Mirchi 98.3 FM idhi chaala hot guru) that you want to host a kitty party and would she please come?
– Humor those schmucks on NDTV and CNN-IBN by actually responding to their SMS polls on earth-shattering “d’uh” topics like “Is the BCCI incompetent?”
– SMS ‘ugly’ to 8788 to get beauty tips
– SMS ‘obese’ to 9899 to lose 20 kgs in 1 week flat. (Just send the SMS, forget dieting and exercises – that’s just for neanderthals!)
What if I have some sense and decide not to use SMS?
– You will be the first of your kind. And probably the last too.
– The Taj Mahal might not be one of the 7 wonders of the world.
– You’re not eligible to win a free ticket to ‘Sivaji’ sponsored by Radio Mirchi 98.3 FM idhi chaala hot guru.
– You cannot have your say in important polls like “What’s the best way to get rid of stray cattle meandering down Punjagutta junction?”
– You cannot send a message like ‘nee venum da chellam’ for your girlfriend over Sun Music. (But doesn’t really matter so much ‘coz she would’ve already broken up with you for spelling her name in SMS shorthand the last time.)
– There are chances that you’ll sound very antediluvian when you spell words the way they’re supposed to be spelt. And people will actually understand what you write.
So, ladies and gentlemen, contrary to popular belief, we’re done with Kaliyuga already. We’re right now traversing SMSyuga, which is a gazillion times worse than Kaliyuga. Don’t believe me? SMS ‘SHOW ME’ to 988394888383293 exactly 25 times – and if that didn’t blow a hole in your wallet, do it again.
Disclaimer: All numbers specified above false and fictional. Any resemblance to any number active or inactive is purely coincidence. SMS at own risk. Do not drink and drive. Shake well before use. Smoking is injurious to health. Replace receiver in cradle after use. Thank you and please visit again.