One

She came to the bookshelf and pulled out another leather bound book. She appeared very familiar with the book for she went straight to the end, without bothering with the Contents or the Index. She found what she was looking for, and she handed the book to him pointing out the lines she had in mind.

He found himself holding a Bible.

“So the Bible has translations of the Mahabharatha? Wow, I did not see this coming!”

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Thought(s) of the moment

Pointless musing follows… I’m in the mood for wasting, not only my time, but also your time. Be warned, mon ami.

“Oh God, so you didn’t kill my mother after all?!”

“Yeah, you schmuck! The mad ol’ bat slipped down the stairs and somehow, my prayers were answered.”

“Oh no! what have I done! I lost not only my mom but you too! Please forgive me!”

“But, ofcourse my dear husband. Even if you’re the most unfaithful knucklehead the world ever saw, you’re still my Pati Parmeshwar and being the dutiful kundan-clad designer-saree-donned wife that I am, how can I not forgive you!”

“Forgive me! Forgive me!”

“Ok, stop it. I’m this close to killin’ you with my bare hands. Can we just go shopping and get it over with? I need a jewellery set and bindi to match my new yellow saree.”

…to be continued.

Confused? Yep, I was too. I happened to catch one scene from one of Ekta Kapoor’s giga-serials and this is what happened. Well, in my own words that is. For added effect, please translate above lines into Hindi and add a couple of expression-less faces to go with the dialogues.

Isn’t it fun? Watching a soap mid-scene or worse, mid-sentence? I sure find it fun ‘coz for the world of me, I don’t know who the good guys are or who the bad guys are! I don’t know who killed whom or who’s plotting to kill whom. I don’t know who actually stole the chain to put the blame on the ghar-ki-bahu (daughter-in-law of the house) and send her out. But I do love watching those huge jewellery ensembles, those designer sarees, the curtains in the set…all at the cost of what? A few minutes of leaving your brains in the deep freeze. Considering the fact that the brain probably works more in the deep freeze, that shouldn’t be an issue. smirk smirk.

I don’t watch these stupid soap operas. (I could be lying, but then I dare you to prove it.)

But no matter how hard we try, it’s difficult not to run into one of these when one is channel surfing. Like those little bits of food that stay stuck between your teeth and you cannot pull them out ‘coz it would make you look like a neanderthal touching your teeth in public. While this sounds absolutely disgusting, it does get my point through, doesn’t it? No? Ok.

Like I was saying, I get kicks watching these soaps mid-scene just for the heck of it. Though it’s risky at one level ‘coz you might actually find the plot interesting (only to lose interest after 3 days because they’re all still standing in the huge hall arguing on who stole the chain and why), it sure entertains you for the moment. And that’s what this entire world is coming to – living for the moment, in the moment, by the moment! (Cool, this line definitely goes into my Book of Profound Sayings).

Nothing wrong with living in the moment, though. I’m all for it. Only, I’d really appreciate it if someone else did all my tax planning so I can retire with a huge stash in the underground vault in my backyard. On second thoughts, that someone should first earn all the money and then do all the planning and then fill up my local backyard based Swiss Bank. Ah, life is good, no?

To quote someone more profounder than me, I intend to live forever – so far so good.

While this post may seem like this dish you make out of leftovers (ok, not a very good day for my analogies, so pardon moi), you have to understand that I suffer from the opposite of bloggers’ block – I have too many ideas floating around and I need to get it out in some form. I don’t have the luxury of a Pensieve like Albus Dumbledore. Even I don’t know where a particular strand of thought might lead to! And this post is the perfect example: I started off with soap operas, touched on disgusting manners at personal hygiene and ended with something profound as usual. You have to give me credit for that, ya know.

Well, d’oh!

I’m not exactly the brightest crayon in the box¹.

Not so long ago, I thought Paris Hilton was a posh star hotel in Paris, France. I came to know later that it was a person. I then conveniently assumed that the hotel belongs to the lady. Apparently, it doesn’t.

In my defence, even Albert Einstein² would’ve had his ‘doh’ moments and I’m no exception. And I never said I was an authority on Paris or Hilton or Paris Hilton or Hilton, Paris.

    

[1] – If you rightly thought so.

[2] – Yes, when I get tired of comparing myself with Kafka, I go with Einstein. Regular people just don’t work for me.

YesYemYes

Whoever wrote about the 4 yugas in Hindu Scriptures – Satya, Treta, Dwapara and Kali – missed one. SMS Yuga. It’s all pervading, omnipotent and definitely omnipresent. Any human being worth his salt has to have the ability to send and receive SMS. Doesn’t matter if you don’t know how to answer the phone when it rings or how to make calls – SMS is all ye know and all ye need to know!

Some FAQs on SMS and their ‘usefulness’ –

What is SMS? – Wiki will tell you that SMS stands for Short Message Service. That’s far from being true. For starters, in this age of free SMS, there is nothing called short. It’s only extra long (XL), medium extra long (MXL) and extra extra long (XXL). It is used to let your friends know that you are eating a burger right now and the mayo is dripping onto your hands. Or to let your mom know that you’re in your room studying when you’re actually in a movie theatre watching a sleazy flick for the 17th time. Very useful, this SMS.

What do I gain by using SMS? – The gains from SMS are many.

– It improves your ability to type with your eyes closed. This arises from the fact that frequent SMSing can erase the numbers/alphabets off the keypad of your phone. So you go purely by touch and feel. Comes in very handy when if you’re blind.

– The second use is you don’t have to learn shorthand ever in your life. All those weird symbols to take notes fast? Toss them into note-takers’ hell. Tis gr8 2 b typng in d nw shrthnd n tis vv kewl evntho it drvs 1 mad.

– All services starting from laundry to your kids’ daycare – they’re all available over SMS. You only have to make note of the numbers to send the SMS to. Like if you want the Taj Mahal to be part of the 7 wonders, SMS ‘TAJ’ to 4567. Get the drift?

What’s the downside of using SMS?

– Very minor effects like complete loss of social skills since SMS is your language of communication while the rest of the world uses something called ‘speech’ which is done using one’s mouth, as opposed to hands.

– People around you could beat you to death if they get cheesed off with your mobile phone incessantly beeping whenever you get an SMS.

– You forget the concept of spelling in English. Ergo, you can never participate in the National Spelling Bee contests (even if your life depended on it).

Some things I can do with SMS?

– Make Taj Mahal one of the 7 wonders of the world.

– Ask Anamika on Ladies Colony (Radio Mirchi 98.3 FM idhi chaala hot guru) that you want to host a kitty party and would she please come?

– Humor those schmucks on NDTV and CNN-IBN by actually responding to their SMS polls on earth-shattering “d’uh” topics like “Is the BCCI incompetent?”

– SMS ‘ugly’ to 8788 to get beauty tips

– SMS ‘obese’ to 9899 to lose 20 kgs in 1 week flat. (Just send the SMS, forget dieting and exercises – that’s just for neanderthals!)

What if I have some sense and decide not to use SMS?

– You will be the first of your kind. And probably the last too.

– The Taj Mahal might not be one of the 7 wonders of the world.

– You’re not eligible to win a free ticket to ‘Sivaji’ sponsored by Radio Mirchi 98.3 FM idhi chaala hot guru.

– You cannot have your say in important polls like “What’s the best way to get rid of stray cattle meandering down Punjagutta junction?”

– You cannot send a message like ‘nee venum da chellam’ for your girlfriend over Sun Music. (But doesn’t really matter so much ‘coz she would’ve already broken up with you for spelling her name in SMS shorthand the last time.)

– There are chances that you’ll sound very antediluvian when you spell words the way they’re supposed to be spelt. And people will actually understand what you write.

So, ladies and gentlemen, contrary to popular belief, we’re done with Kaliyuga already. We’re right now traversing SMSyuga, which is a gazillion times worse than Kaliyuga. Don’t believe me? SMS ‘SHOW ME’ to 988394888383293 exactly 25 times – and if that didn’t blow a hole in your wallet, do it again.

Disclaimer: All numbers specified above false and fictional. Any resemblance to any number active or inactive is purely coincidence. SMS at own risk. Do not drink and drive. Shake well before use. Smoking is injurious to health. Replace receiver in cradle after use. Thank you and please visit again.

The Banyan Tree

They were all there, in that banyan tree. Safe in its wizened old trunk, their hands entwined with the hanging roots. Sometimes one could even find their belongings scattered around – the other day, little Murugan found a gold nose pin that had belonged to Shailaja. Poor Shailaja, she was raped and murdered by those city dwellers who had come to the village for a cinema shooting. But then it’s not so bad, you know. A week ago, exactly 13 days after Shailaja akka’s cremation, one of those city guys was found dead under this same banyan tree. The village health officer said he had some heart problem. But we all know that was not why he died. It’s the tree, you know. It’s haunted.

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