Crash course

Context for this post is my previous post. For people who have not read the Bible stories, understanding the humor in my last post would have been..well, it wouldn’t be funny! So, here goes…

The Bible is full of many interesting caricatures. Michael Angelo painted them on the Sixteen Chapels.

Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel – ofcourse, not caricatures!! 😉

The first five books of the Bible are Genesis, Exodus, Laxatives, Deuteronomy, and Numbers. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

The first 5 books are Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy. They are also called the Pentateuch or Torah or Mosaic books (accepted to be authored by Moses)

The Bible says (Genesis 1 & 2) that God created the world in 6 days. The 7th day, He rested from all his work and He blessed the 7th day and made it holy. The Christian Sabbath is on Sunday – considered a holy day and also a holiday!

(Trivia: Jewish Sabbath is on Saturdays, not Sundays.)

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son? My punishment is greater than I can bare.”
If you know the actual story, you would know why the above is funny.

Instead of me explaining, I’ll quote from Genesis 4:1-4:10

Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil. In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord. But Abel brought fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast.
Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.”

Now Cain said to his brother Abel, “Let’s go out to the field.” And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him.

Then the LORD said to Cain, “Where is your brother Abel?”

“I don’t know,” he replied. “Am I my brother’s keeper?”

I guess what Cain meant was, “How the heck am I supposed to know where Abel I his guardian or what?” – simple terms!

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

Ok..Unleavened bread is bread which has not risen, i.e. bread made without yeast.

The part about the Egyptians drowning in the ‘dessert’ – you know about how Moses drove the sea apart for the Israelites to cross..well, the Egyptian army follows them and gets drowned in the sea.. (Exodus 14:23-30)

Moses goes up Mount Sinai to get the 10 Commandments!

10 Commandments – Exodus 20:2-17

The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. (When Adam
told Eve to “eat the apple” she slapped him.)
Requires no further explanation!

The Fifth Commandment is humoring thy father and mother.
Humoring = Honoring

The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Admit = Commit

The Ninth Commandment is thou salt not bare faults witness.
Thou shalt not bear false witness – simple terms: You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor!

Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
The Jewish king, Solomon, supposedly had 700 wives and 300 concubines. We all know what a porcupine is!

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
I think the kid meant Jesus’ words – Whatsover you do to the least of my brothers, you do unto me!

He wrote the “B” Attitudes and explained, “Man doth not live by sweat alone.”
He preached the beatitudes (a part of the Sermon on the Mount – Matthew 5:1-11). Beatitudes are nothing but characteristics of a man who would be part of the Kingdom of Heaven – as said by Christ in His sermon.

Jesus’ words – “Man does not live by bread alone” when He is tempted by the Devil in the desert. (Matthew 4:1-4:20)

Jesus was crucified on his way to Calgary. It was a miracle when he rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the entrance.
Calgary = Calvary. Jesus was crucified on a hill called Calvary in Golgotha. The rest is kids-talk!

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
decibels – Apostles.
Epistles – letters! I think the kid means the Letters of St.Paul.
St.Matthew was a tax collector (taxman!) by profession (it was a big deal in those days ‘coz taxmen were considered big sinners for troubling people to pay up!)

Simon was called Peter — it was like a nickname.
I have to agree, it was kinda like a nickname I guess – the Bible refers to ‘Simon, also called Peter’..

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
Acrimony – Matrimony…acrimony makes sense too, doesn’t it? 😉

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
Bravo kiddo! Montony – Monogamy…whatever! 😉

Other Christians were condemned to death in large groups. They entered the arena to face wild lions singing hymns of praise in the name of the Father, the Son, and In-the-Hole-He-Goes.
Ok, lions cannot sing. Period.
In-the-Hole-He-Goes = and the Holy Ghost. I know why this happened – when the priest is celebrating Mass, the prayers are said in a sing-song you can imagine how Holy Ghost would sound if its kinda sung..can’t blame the kid, can we? 😉

But, as Mel Brooks says, “The meek shall inherit the earth.”
Matthew 5:5
Not said by Mel Brooks ofcourse!

Any mistakes, misinterpretations – all mine! Please correct me wherever I’m wrong.

If knowing the Bible is like swimming, I’ve only tested the water with my tiny toenail!


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