Revised Non-Standard Bible

Source

It is truly astonishing what happens to Bible stories when young scholars around the world retell them. Some excerpts –

The Bible is full of many interesting caricatures. Michael Angelo painted them on the Sixteen Chapels.

The first five books of the Bible are Genesis, Exodus, Laxatives, Deuteronomy, and Numbers. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son? My punishment is greater than I can bare.”

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. (When Adam told Eve to “eat the apple” she slapped him.)
The Fifth Commandment is humoring thy father and mother.
The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
The Ninth Commandment is thou salt not bare faults witness.

Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He wrote the “B” Attitudes and explained, “Man doth not live by sweat alone.”

Jesus was crucified on his way to Calgary. It was a miracle when he rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.

Simon was called Peter — it was like a nickname.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

Other Christians were condemned to death in large groups. They entered the arena to face wild lions singing hymns of praise in the name of the Father, the Son, and In-the-Hole-He-Goes.

But, as Mel Brooks says, “The meek shall inherit the earth.”

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