Mea Culpa

I had a very disturbing end to 2005. I was travelling by train and what I saw during my journey has shaken me, to say the least. It also made me feel lucky to be me. But the guilt that came with it was and is unbearable –

I was reading HP and the Order of the Phoenix for the 8th time and I didn’t realize the train had stopped. I felt a movement beside me and saw a crippled boy, dustcloth in hand, sweeping the compartment floor – his legs were affected by polio, so he was dragging himself along the whole way. He came to where I was seated, cleared up bits of dust and paper from the floor and looked up at me – the dignity I found in those eyes, I will not see in any others’ eyes. He was not begging. He wanted pay for a service he did. I gave him whatever coins my hand hit in my purse and he carried on with the next seats…most people did not give anything. It hurt me that I could not be of more help to this boy. Life had been very unfair on him already – does he deserve such unfairness from his fellow human beings too? There could be organizations that help such people have a respectable life. But does that absolve us of any responsibility towards them? The coins I gave might get him half a meal – what next? Who’s going to help him for the remaining half? How do I even justify calling it a ‘help’ when I didn’t do anything?!!

Mea Culpa!

I’m disgusted with myself. Thoroughly disgusted.

Things didn’t end there on my journey. Our train was moving more slowly and at one point, it was almost coming to a stop. There was a railway crossing and all the vehicles on the road had stopped waiting for the train to pass. Near the gate, there was a kid (he wouldn’t be more than 5 yrs old) standing with a tin box in his hand – the only clothes he was wearing was a torn pair of shorts. But you know what he was doing? He was waving at the train in full spirit, oblivious to his surroundings with the brightest, most beautiful smile ever. I’ve never seen a more cuter boy in my entire life. Tears just welled up in my eyes – that boy could have been my brother! How would I feel if my own brother were standing there like that and waving at the train? I would die before I let that happen to my brother, right? But for this boy, I didn’t do anything. 2 drops of tears was all I could do – and it didn’t help him in any way.

Mea Culpa!

I don’t know why I’m even writing this here. But it seems so cruel of me to continue with my life, as if nothing happened, when there are so many people out there for whom every day is a struggle. God has given me all that I need in my life – more than what I need actually. But what am I doing in return? Nothing.

God has given some people everything and more. Why? So that they can help the others who do not have anything. God felt that we are capable of helping others – that’s why He gave us all what we have. Are we doing what God expects us to do? I don’t know about you, but I, most definitely, am not doing what I’m supposed to. I’m not even trying! I’ve let down my Creator!

Mea Culpa!

And so ended 2005…but 2006 is another year. And guess what? It just started! I have 365 brand new days ahead and this time, I’m going to make a difference in some one’s life. There might be a lot of people in my life then, now and tomorrow, who might feel let down by me. But I’m not putting God on that list – no sir I’m not, I cannot afford to disappoint Him.

Guilt-ridden,
Me.

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