For those who haven’t come across the carol: http://www.carols.org.uk/the_twelve_days_of_christmas.htm (Don’t take my word for the religious symbolism of this carol though)
Now for the fun part –
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves…. I’m absolutely delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
Oh, aren’t you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They really are darling but I must insist…you’re just too kind.
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
What’s with you and those bloody birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of warped joke is this? There’s bird poo all over the house and they never stop the racket. I’m a nervous wreck and I can’t sleep all night. IT’S NOT FUNNY…….So stop with the birds.
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There are dirty great cow pats all over the lawn and I can’t move into my own house. Just lay off me.
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And do they play… They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You’ll get yours.
You Rotten Sod,
Now there are ten ladies dancing – I don’t know why I call those tramps ladies. They’ve been bonking those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhoea. My living room is a river of manure. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned. I’m getting the police onto you.
One who means it,
Listen You Ratbag:
What’s with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned “ladies”? Some of those broads will never walk again. The pipers have started brawling with the eleven lords a-leaping. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Miss Agnes McCallister
January 5th (From the law offices of I. Grindem and Lovitt)
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.