Him Vs Her and Happy New Year

Women: A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband the very next morning that she stayed at her girlfriend’s apartment over night. So the husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.

Men: A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning that he stayed at his friend’s apartment over night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night and another 5 are claiming that he is still with them.

Ah, men..

I had a great year (no pictures yet to support that though – there is just no limit to my laziness). I do not believe in New Year resolutions – if you really want to do something, you don’t need a New Year to make you do it.

I’m going to ring in New Year on my blog 2 days ahead (‘coz I won’t be in a bloggable condition this weekend – me going home to meet mom and dad after god-knows-how-long!!)

So, here’s to you and yours! Happy New Year!

Catch y’all on the other side of 2006 folks! As always, keep smiling (well ofcourse, not to the extent that people think you’ve gone..er..cuckoo)!

Felicè Anno Nuovo again!

Kids say…

Source: Internet (where else!)

A teacher gave her fourth-grade students the beginning of a list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for each one. Here are some examples of what they submitted:

As you shall make your bed so shall you…..Mess it up.
Better be safe than…..Punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the…..Bug is close.
Don’t bite the hand that…..Looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a…..Mister.
You can’t teach an old dog new…..Math.
The pen is mightier than the…..Pigs.
An idle mind is…..The best way to relax.
Happy the bride who…..Gets all the presents.
A penny saved is…..Not worth much.
Two’s company, three’s…..The Musketeers.
When the blind leadeth the blind…..Get out of the way.
Where there’s smoke, there’s…..Pollution.
Children should be seen and not…..Spanked or grounded.
A rolling stone…..Plays the guitar.
A bird in the hand is…..A real mess.
No news is…..No newspaper.
No news is…..Impossible.
It’s better to light one candle than to…..Waste electricity.
It’s always darkest just before…..I open my eyes.
It’s always darkest before…..Daylight savings time.
It’s always darkest before…..9:30 p.m.
You have nothing to fear but….homework.
If you can’t stand the heat…..Don’t start the fireplace.
If you can’t stand the heat…..Go swimming.
Never put off ’til tomorrow what you…..Should have done yesterday.
Never put off ’til tomorrow what…..you put on to go to bed.
Never underestimate the power of…..Termites.
If you lie down with the dogs…..You’ll stink in the morning.
The squeaking wheel gets…..Annoying.
We have nothing to fear but…..Our principal.
To err is human…..To eat a muskrat is not.
I think, therefore I…..Get a headache.
Better to light a candle than to…..Light an explosive.
Early to bed and early to rise…..Is first in the bathroom.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a…..Blister.
There is nothing new under the…..Bed.
The grass is always greener…..When you leave the sprinkler on.
The grass is always greener…..When you put manure on it.
Don’t count your chickens…..It takes too long.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and…..You haveto blow your nose.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and…..Someone yells, ” Shut up!”
You can lead a horse to water but…..How?
Love all, trust…..Me.
None are so blind as…..Helen Keller.
If at first you don’t succeed…..Get new batteries.
You get out of something what you…..See pictured on the box.

It’s ok if you’ve read this already – doesn’t hurt to laugh again now, does it! 😀

No point Everyone

There’s no point in doing or saying certain things in life these days. It just doesn’t matter – like telling mom, for the umpteenth time, that you’re 24 and can take care of yourself. Or telling your husband that you do not how the car keys got into the last shelf of the shoe stand – no, you don’t think they walked by themselves, you just don’t know! Ever noticed that you get the maximum questions on re-direct when you say ‘I don’t know’. Maybe because it’s just so unbelievable that being humans, there are things we do not know.

There’s no point to this post. I have time to kill and I have a blog – good for me, bad for you. What’s the point in having a blog and not posting eh? You’re regretting that minute in the last 3 minutes when you actually decided to drop by my blog right? Good, I got you right where I want. Irritated, bored, wondering where this meaningless rambling is going to…let me tell you something upfront (god, I hate this word ‘upfront’ – is it a valid word btw?), you will be feeling the same way even after reading through this post. Why? ‘Coz there’s no point! no point to this blog or to any other blog out there other than occupying memory god knows where and using up network bandwidh god knows where to (can God say I dont know? curious – been reading God’s Debris – it makes you question everything). You got it right – you’re reading a post by one cranky software engineer – and to make matters worse, a woman. (Or is the other way round – I’m a woman and to make matters worse, a software engineer? I’m going mad, aren’t I? Maybe it is time to tell my husband the truth.)

I’m suddenly reminded of a dialogue I heard in a Malayalam movie called ‘Ner Ariyaan CBI’ (rough translation – CBI to know the truth). The hero is asked a question “Why does the sun rise in the east?” The answer: “It’s not that the sun rises in the east. Wherever the sun rises, we call that east.” Don’t ask me why I’m writing this here or why I was reminded of that. No point asking ‘coz I seriously don’t know.

There are other ‘No point’ questions – like asking someone in a restaurant, ‘Hey, eating out eh?’. No, its my hobby to go to restaurants and sit around till someone asks me this question, thank you very much. Why do people do that? I watched this stand-up comedy by Bill Engvall the other day (actually its a month back, but easier to say the other day). He’s flying to some place and during landing the aeroplane hits a deer on the runway and has a minor trouble landing. Our man is laughing his head off ‘coz, let’s face it, how often does an aircraft hit a deer? Anyway, he calls up his wife from the airport to tell her what happened –
“Honey, hey.. we had a small problem with the landing. We hit a deer!”
There’s a pause on the other end for a second and then a question – “O my god, was the plane on the ground?”.
Engvall replied (to an audience laughing their heads off), “No, Santa was doing one last round!”. Here’s your sign!!

Know what I just did? I tried using the laptop the way it was meant to be used – on my lap and ended up pulling the cable out of the modem (don’t ask me how). It said “Network cable unplugged” and went bust. And it took me all of 10 minutes to connect back – and it’s supposed to be broadband, not dialup! O for the love of God! Which reminds me of something else… totally bizarre, least related to what I’ve been writing till now (which is?..crap) – I read a blog about a girl who killed a rat – you cannot make me explain any further. No.

You know, I’m having a lousy day (really??!!) but I got no right to ruin yours. So.. ciao amici! (someday, I’ll tell you why I use Italian now and then.)

Bored?

Something you could try out if you’re bored and feeling adventurous at the same time. I wish I could try these sometime – maybe I will when I don’t need my job anymore!

Disclaimer: Me not responsible for the repurcussions if these are tried by the readers.

******************
Source: Internet

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “Oh my God! They’ve found me!” and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes. Then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain that you can’t get the damn thing to work. After it has been turned on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
6. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
7. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
8. Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say “Just in case…” mysteriously.
9. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
10. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray “Ohplease ohplease ohplease ohplease,” and scream “YES!” when it finishes.
11. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
12. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
13. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
14. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to your manager and complain about the bad working conditions.
15. Bring som dry ice. Make it look like your computer is smoking.
16. Attempt to eat your computer’s mouse.
17. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
18. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
19. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the place.
20. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
21. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it’s the computer and look really lost.
22. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn’t work.
23. Run into office, shout “Armageddon is here!!!!!”, then calmly sit down and begin to type.
24. Stare at the person’s next to yours screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say “You did that?” loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
25. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell “COVEEEEERRRRRR!” peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. “Oh, good. It worked this time,” and calmly start to type again.
26. Borrow someone else’s keyboard by reaching over, saying “Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?”, unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
27. Laugh hysterically, shout “You will all perish in flames!!!” and continue working.
28. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn’t affected). Then look at your neighbor’s keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: “Does *your* delete key work?” Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you’ve deleted about a page of your neighbor’s document. Then, suddenly exclaim: “Well, whaddya know? I’ve been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn’t deleting Ha!” Print out your document and leave.

If you haven’t even smiled once after reading the above – you need to see a shrink! Trust me.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer

Christmas is over, but I’m still humming this one –

Grandma got run over by a reindeer.
Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and grandpa we believe.

She’d been drinking too much eggnog and we begged her not to go.
But she forgot her medication, and she staggered out the door into the snow.
When we found her Christmas morning at the scene of the attack,
She had hoof-prints on her forehead and incriminating Claus marks on her back.

Now we’re all so proud of grandpa, he’s been taking this so well.
See him in there watching football, drinking root beer and playing cards with Cousin Mel.
It’s not Christmas without Grandma, all the family’s dressed in black.
And we just can’t help but wonder: Should we open up her gifts or send them back?
Send them back!!

Now the goose is on the table and the pudding made of fig.
And the blue and silver candles that would just have matched the hair on grandma’s wig.
I’ve warned all my friends and neighbors better watch out for yourselves,
They should never give a license to a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer…

Harry Potter and the Letdown of the Year


Merry Christmas Everyone!!

I know I’m late, but had my own Christmas celebrations with my better half and didn’t get to even open the laptop. But hey, better late than never!

Sunday saw us at the IMAX theatre watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire! Well, I can’t believe I’m saying this but, the movie was a let down. Maybe because I’ve read the book atleast a gazillion times and found the movie not even close. Imagine – I found the Quidditch matches in the book more interesting than on screen!! (If you do not know what Quidditch is, chances are you won’t understand even a single word of what’s coming up – so..consider yourselves warned.)

SPOILER ALERT!! – If you haven’t seen the movie yet, but intend to, please don’t read on.

If you have read the book, you know what I’m talking about – the first scene in the movie with Harry’s dream about Wormtail and Voldemort in the Riddle House – well, they also show Barty Crouch Jr (the one who impersonates Moody) in the dream!!! Can you believe that??!!! there’s more – they did not show the Quidditch World Cup match – I was dying to see the Wronski Feint by Krum, but no..they just didnt show it! No Veela, no leprechauns – nothing!! There was nothing about Winky the house-elf (so you can imagine how distorted the plot is if there is no Winky tugging an invisible Barty Crouch who casts the Dark Mark in the sky).

The director seems to have taken a lot of liberty with the story line – in the second task, Harry gets the gillyweed from Neville – not Dobby! There’s nothing about Rita Skeeter being an animagus. And the biggest lapse of them all – the third task in the maze was the letdown of the year!! They did not show any obstacles at all in the maze – just the scary looking maze and Krum trying to jinx Fleur and Cedric. No sphinx asking questions, no spider attack on Harry and Cedric, no fog that turns the world upside down, no Blast-ended Skrewts – nothing, zero, zilch! There was way too much dialogue between the characters and very less action.

But surprises that I liked – the scene with the Durmstrang ship coming was too cool. So were Victor Krum and Cedric Diggory and Hermione. Mad-eye Moody was ok – I’d imagined someone less fat though 😉 Snape did some comedy – shocked eh? Well, no comments on that one. Loved the scene were Malfoy is transfigured into a ferret by Moody. There was a scene were Prof McGonagall teaches the class to dance – it’s not in the book right? It was good though – especially with Ron, Fred and George (who look cool btw). The last scene in the graveyard with Voldemort rising was really well-taken. Voldemort rocks! Looks just like the descriptions in the book.

The best part about the movie were the actors – they were absolutely amazing! Daniel Radcliffe was mind-blowing (forgive my choice of words for superlatives – I’m not such a good review-writer – I just write what comes to my mind). Emma Watson – she was really really cute (hubbie dear liked her the best!) . No comments on Ron. The coolest was Draco Malfoy – he actually looks handsome and..for want of a better word – yummy! Dumbledore was good, his costumes could have been better though – he walked around in what looks like a faded, old nightie for cryin’ out loud! Madame Maxine was good too – she actually makes Hagrid look normal. The Beauxbaton girls and Durmstrang guys were awesome – the introduction scene for them was great.

I know its a 2.5 hour movie and you cannot have the full book in it, but some parts were outrageous. A person who hasn’t read the book (like my husband) would never appreciate the true beauty of a Harry Potter tome if the movie is like this! Then again, I don’t think any movie that’s completely based on a book can do full justice to all aspects of the book and maintain the nature of cinema at the same time. End of the day, it’s still a HP movie and I’m always a very faithful fan – so I can tolerate the movie!

The movie is worth watching only once – I say only once ‘coz for me, the rest of the HP movies can be watched any number of times. Not so for the Goblet of Fire. Loved the IMAX experience though – but that’s a topic for another post!

So long then…Buon Natale again folks! Hope you had a wonderful miracle-filled and jolly Christmas!

Grey Library

Heard about grey markets for electronic goods? Well, Grey Library is the internet equivalent of the same for books – not for buying books, but for downloading soft copies of some good ones (fiction mostly).

http://www.greylib.align.ru/

HP fans: This site has the first 4 till Goblet of Fire.
Dan Brown fans: Has all 4 of his works!

It’s a Russian site – don’t worry if you do not understand anything on the screen. Move your mouse over the sections in the white bar under the image of the spectacles and watch the status bar of your browser window – it would display the genre of books found in that section. Something like libfan, libaction, etc. Click on each section and you will find the book names in english.

On a less law-breaking note, check out Scott Adams’ “God’s Debris” at the following link –

http://www.andrewsmcmeel.com/godsdebris/

It’s a very very very different book and I’m looking out for the hard copy to enjoy it better!

Happy Reading folks!