Liar Liar

It’s amazing how (I know I know, I start most of my blog write-ups like this! Bear with me please) a woman’s mind works. The most common complaint I’ve heard from most guys I know is – ‘How the hell am I supposed to know what she’s thinking? You girls are so..so…(they still haven’t found a word to end that sentence by the way)..so..’ I get it. We’re way too deep for men to understand – right? Well, most men would say ‘Bingo!’. And I counter that with my favourite line – ‘It’s not that we’re too deep..It’s just that you guys are too shallow’..and trust me, there’s nothing that drives a guy more wild than this one sentence (except ofcourse ‘I told you so’ – you can’t beat ‘I told you so’!).

And I stand by what I say – even if you carried all the oxygen in the world in a tank and start divin’, you still can’t reach where we women keep our thoughts – it doesn’t work that way you know. We, on the other hand, can sometimes read guys’ minds. Especially if it’s saying something like ‘Oh crap, there she goes again’ or ‘Man, is she fat!’ (at the wife) or ‘Whoa, she’s hot’ (at the neighbour). It’s a gift, you see, and it comes in very very handy. Like –
She: ‘Sweety, you heard what I just said right?’
He: ‘Uh, what?’ (or) ‘Uh, yeah’ (or) ‘Uh, ‘
BUSTED!!

There are also some questions for which there can never be an answer – no matter what you guys say (or don’t say), you’re screwed. Like –

Does this dress make me look fat? (oh, she hates you – simple)
How come you never offer to make dinner? (Classic one – this always ends with a fight. Actually, when she wants to fight, this is how it might start)
Do you know have any idea much work I do around here? (run for cover guys)
What do you expect me to say now? (don’t even think about answering this one)
Well? (My favorite. That one word and the stare that comes with it carries more payload than a nuclear warhead. And it also means you’ll probably be dead in the next 3 minutes. Call 911.)

When you hear one (or many, if you’re really unfortunate) of the above, your best answer could be ‘Im really sorry sweety. It’s my mistake, and I’ll never do it again dear’. You have a better chance of staying married. And staying alive. With all your limbs intact.

It’s easy to understand how we girls do it if you pay attention. Now, thats another topic – attention – let’s not go there though. So how do we know when you’re lying? It could be a small pause at the wrong place..a misplaced ‘Uh’..a slight flicker in the eyes..a deep breath before the answer (you guys should seriously think of taking that breath after the answer – it’s like holding a beacon in you hand saying ‘Get me, I’m a liar, my pants are on fire’). By the way you guys, I’m giving out some really hard-to-get information here, taking notes would be a good idea.

There is also a freak of nature that helps us out you know – you can’t lie that well to a girl if you care about her. It’s a fact. Why do you think husbands get caught lying all the time but the single guy on a one-night stand doesn’t!! But this is a double edged sword you know – as long as the wife knows she can find out when her husband is lying – all is well. The moment she gets a feeling she cannot find out, then saying the truth all the time is not going to help out either. So, choose your lies carefully. Prioritize what is worth lying about (and getting caught probably) and what is not. It’s for your own safety.

Some lies and lie nots (for guys only) –
Always –
1. Lie (and let her lie) about her age.
2. Lie for questions about her weight. (You should make ‘No’ your reflex answer. Honey am I fat? No. Does this dress make me look fat? No. Am I fatter than her? No. Do I look older than you? No.)
3. Lie to the boss to spend more time with her/family. (She’ll love you more for this one folks.)
4. Lie to your mother about how good she is at everything.

Never –
1. Lie for questions about your weight (applicable only if you’re heavier than her. If you’re not, then that’s wrong – you should be).
2. Lie to her to spend more time at work. (You’ll probably be on the couch for a month if you dont heed this.)
3. Lie (or tell the truth) to her mother about how good you are at helping out.

Disclaimer: The thoughts expressed here are my own. I do not guarantee a happy marriage or a happy courtship (or anything happy) if the above advice is taken. You can do all this at your own risk.

It’s good to lie about things that might otherwise hurt. Like if you forgot Valentine’s – think of something really sweet – “Sweety, everyday with you is Valentine’s day, so what’s the big deal darling!”.

I’m just kidding. If you forgot Valentine’s Day, you should ideally be flayed and paraded down the Champs Elysees.

Choose your lies. It’s like choosing between life and death.

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