Q & no A

Some questions I might never find a ‘satisfactory’ answer to –

1. In absolute terms, what is crap?
2. When someone says a dish tastes like mud, does that mean they have tasted mud?
3. Who let the dogs out?
4. What’s under the bed at night? (You cannot say ‘nothing’ – switch the lights off and check)
5. Is ‘pretty as a picture’ supposed to be a compliment? For starters, pictures are framed and are hung on the wall. On nails mostly.
6. Why are most bad words composed of 4 letters?
7. What was the intention behind the word ‘foolproof’?
8. Isn’t ‘Good Morning’ an oxymoron? (Borrowed this question from Garfield – he feels Good Morning is a contradiction in terms and I agree!)
9. If you see someone familiar in a movie theatre, why do they always ask “Hey, came to watch a movie eh?” ? (Well, duh!! )
10. If nothing is impossible, why do we need that word in the dictionary? (I know I’ll get some smart-ass answer for this one – it is a smart-ass question, I know that too, thank you very much.)
11. What’s the deal with ‘dead tired’? You’re either dead or you’re tired – can’t be both, can it?
12. When someone tells you to ‘be yourself’, what the heck do they mean? If I’m not me, who am I?
13. If I own a piece of land, do I own it till the core of the earth? (Not mine, I read it somewhere and it really made me think about it!)
14. Why is 18 the legal age for a lot of things (driving, drinking, inherting stuff, etc)? Why not 19? or 20? (There could be an explanation for this though, I dont know it yet)
15. Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Ask me more like this – I enjoy them, makes me feel human again.

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My favorite things

Forever ‘Sound of Music’!

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cream coloured ponies and crisp apple strudel,
Door bells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Girls in white dresses and blue satin sashes,
Snow-flakes that stay on my nose and eye-lashes,
Silver white winters that melt into spring,
These are a few of my favorite things,

When the dog bites,
When the bee stings,
When I’m feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel, so bad.

I’m thankful for…

Thanksgiving is in the air. We don’t celebrate Thanksgiving where I come from. But when you’re in Rome, be a Roman! And, it never hurt anyone to say thanks once in a while, right? What a wonderful coincidence that I’m blogging these days and it happens to be Thanksgiving! I’m going to take this opportunity to be thankful for all my blessings –

I’m thankful…

For Arun.
For Mom, Dad and Chaitu.
For Amma, Pappa and Anish.
For Neelu, for Sanju, for Kishan, for Mano.
For Grandma and Grandma.
For Aunts and Uncles and cousins. For nieces and nephews.
For friends. For colleagues.
For Tom, my first (and last) pet.

For every smile, every tear, every tiff, every fear.
For all the struggles and the pain, in times sunny and in rain.
For the sunset and the moon, for every morning, every noon.
For the sea, for the sky, for all the stars up so high.
For pumpkin and cinnamon, for chocolates and almonds.
For Macy’s and Walmart and Nike and Reebok.

For me, for you and everyone in between.

Happy Holidays people!

Happy Birthday


To my lovable stranger –

I’m not going to get all mushy and sentimental now, no poems or love notes either. I just want to say that everytime I think of you, I feel truly blessed. To be loved by you is to know love in all its glory and warmth. I love you.

Here’s wishing you (and me!) many many more happy returns of this day.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Happy Anniversary


Two years ago, we were just two people in love. We are still two people in love. Much much more in love this moment than the moment just gone by.

To the man who taught me that being in love feels even better than falling in love.

To the man I’m eternally in love with.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

Liar Liar

It’s amazing how (I know I know, I start most of my blog write-ups like this! Bear with me please) a woman’s mind works. The most common complaint I’ve heard from most guys I know is – ‘How the hell am I supposed to know what she’s thinking? You girls are so..so…(they still haven’t found a word to end that sentence by the way)..so..’ I get it. We’re way too deep for men to understand – right? Well, most men would say ‘Bingo!’. And I counter that with my favourite line – ‘It’s not that we’re too deep..It’s just that you guys are too shallow’..and trust me, there’s nothing that drives a guy more wild than this one sentence (except ofcourse ‘I told you so’ – you can’t beat ‘I told you so’!).

And I stand by what I say – even if you carried all the oxygen in the world in a tank and start divin’, you still can’t reach where we women keep our thoughts – it doesn’t work that way you know. We, on the other hand, can sometimes read guys’ minds. Especially if it’s saying something like ‘Oh crap, there she goes again’ or ‘Man, is she fat!’ (at the wife) or ‘Whoa, she’s hot’ (at the neighbour). It’s a gift, you see, and it comes in very very handy. Like –
She: ‘Sweety, you heard what I just said right?’
He: ‘Uh, what?’ (or) ‘Uh, yeah’ (or) ‘Uh, ‘
BUSTED!!

There are also some questions for which there can never be an answer – no matter what you guys say (or don’t say), you’re screwed. Like –

Does this dress make me look fat? (oh, she hates you – simple)
How come you never offer to make dinner? (Classic one – this always ends with a fight. Actually, when she wants to fight, this is how it might start)
Do you know have any idea much work I do around here? (run for cover guys)
What do you expect me to say now? (don’t even think about answering this one)
Well? (My favorite. That one word and the stare that comes with it carries more payload than a nuclear warhead. And it also means you’ll probably be dead in the next 3 minutes. Call 911.)

When you hear one (or many, if you’re really unfortunate) of the above, your best answer could be ‘Im really sorry sweety. It’s my mistake, and I’ll never do it again dear’. You have a better chance of staying married. And staying alive. With all your limbs intact.

It’s easy to understand how we girls do it if you pay attention. Now, thats another topic – attention – let’s not go there though. So how do we know when you’re lying? It could be a small pause at the wrong place..a misplaced ‘Uh’..a slight flicker in the eyes..a deep breath before the answer (you guys should seriously think of taking that breath after the answer – it’s like holding a beacon in you hand saying ‘Get me, I’m a liar, my pants are on fire’). By the way you guys, I’m giving out some really hard-to-get information here, taking notes would be a good idea.

There is also a freak of nature that helps us out you know – you can’t lie that well to a girl if you care about her. It’s a fact. Why do you think husbands get caught lying all the time but the single guy on a one-night stand doesn’t!! But this is a double edged sword you know – as long as the wife knows she can find out when her husband is lying – all is well. The moment she gets a feeling she cannot find out, then saying the truth all the time is not going to help out either. So, choose your lies carefully. Prioritize what is worth lying about (and getting caught probably) and what is not. It’s for your own safety.

Some lies and lie nots (for guys only) –
Always –
1. Lie (and let her lie) about her age.
2. Lie for questions about her weight. (You should make ‘No’ your reflex answer. Honey am I fat? No. Does this dress make me look fat? No. Am I fatter than her? No. Do I look older than you? No.)
3. Lie to the boss to spend more time with her/family. (She’ll love you more for this one folks.)
4. Lie to your mother about how good she is at everything.

Never –
1. Lie for questions about your weight (applicable only if you’re heavier than her. If you’re not, then that’s wrong – you should be).
2. Lie to her to spend more time at work. (You’ll probably be on the couch for a month if you dont heed this.)
3. Lie (or tell the truth) to her mother about how good you are at helping out.

Disclaimer: The thoughts expressed here are my own. I do not guarantee a happy marriage or a happy courtship (or anything happy) if the above advice is taken. You can do all this at your own risk.

It’s good to lie about things that might otherwise hurt. Like if you forgot Valentine’s – think of something really sweet – “Sweety, everyday with you is Valentine’s day, so what’s the big deal darling!”.

I’m just kidding. If you forgot Valentine’s Day, you should ideally be flayed and paraded down the Champs Elysees.

Choose your lies. It’s like choosing between life and death.

Exam Time

Test paper question: What happened in Concord in 1775?

Calvin (on anwer paper): Let’s be honest. You’re asking me about Concord? I rely on the bus driver to find my own house from here. Concord could be on Neptune for all I know. And what happened 220 years ago? I’m a kid. I don’t know what’s going on NOW. I don’t have a shred of context for any of this. It’s hopeless, Miss Wormwood, hopeless.

Calvin (aloud): We both try to demoralize each other! 🙂

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Test paper question: Explain Newton’s first law of motion in your own words.

Calvin (on answer paper): Yakka Foob Mog. Grug Pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz.

Calvin (aloud): I love loopholes.

*********

Test paper question: What important event took place on December 16, 1773?

Calvin (on answer paper): I do not believe in linear time. There is no past and future: all is one, and existence in the temporal sense is illusory. This question, therefore, is meaningless and impossible to answer.

Calvin (aloud): When in doubt, deny all terms and definitions.